Friday, September 11, 2009
Like spit in the dust....
It was 10:30 pm last night. I was watching David Letterman and waiting for Robot Chicken to come on when the snack monster hit. There were (and still are) potato chips for the guys on the kitchen table, and me, being me, started craving ruffly potato chips.
Ah, the yearning for toxic food! It's such a compulsion, so addictive, and so very bad for your body.
And like the food zombie that I tend to be on occassions (less so now than before) I mindlessly walked into the kitchen, grabbed the bag and stuffed a bowl to capacity. I returned just in time to witness Dave's 10 Ten List and as I sat there crosslegged in the recliner, the bowl in my lap, I looked down into it and a trick I learned during my days in Overeater's Anonymous clicked on. The trick is called HALT and it means never be:
All of these things, I was taught, are binge triggers, and although I agree in part, its less about triggering an impulse as it is simply not being mindful about what's going on inside your body and your mind.
So,I turned the statements into questions. And since at that point I couldn't be trusted to answer truthfully, (because the only real truth was that I wanted them in the most awful way) I decided it was time to dialogue with Chenrezig about it.
This is how it went.
Question? Am I hungry?
Am I angry?
Am I lonely?
The guys had all gone to bed early and I was alone watching tv.
Am I tired?
again, yes. It was nearing my own bedtime but I wanted to watch my favorite show before doing so.
It was too late to call friends, as it was nearly 11:00 pm. I didn't call Lama because that'd be just silly, wasting the man's time just because I was bored, and since I spent the bulk of the day on the computer I had no desire to get back on it.
Tiredness would take care of itself as soon as I went to bed within the next half hour, so that left me with the problem of what to do next.
And this is what I did. I picked up a chip, put it in my mouth and let it dissolve. I really tasted it. Contemplated it, analyzed it as thoroughly as possible, all the while not giving in to the urge to shove more into my mouth.
Then, the sutric questions. It isn't important to answer them consciously, your subconscious will do that for you.
What does this craving taste like?
How could this craving not be satisfactory?
How could this craving not be me?
How could this craving not be mine?
How could this craving not be separate?
How could this craving not be perminent?
How could I let go of this craving?
how could everyone let go of their cravings?
After doing a couple of rounds of sutric questions,(after dialoguing with Chenrezig about the intensity of my craving for chips) the answer came to me. The chip was entirely NOT satisfactory. it did NOT taste good. It was NOT conducive to good health, and it added more fat to my wasteline.
There was no need or desire to eat it.
I put the chips back into the bag, reached into the fridge, got a handful of grapes and a glass of ice water, returned to the living room, enjoyed my snack along with the weirdness that is Seth Green.
Later I was able to do my evening meditation and go to bed. The craving gone.
And this morning, it hit again. This time with Reeses cups.
And I did the same thing again. And it worked again. Only this time I didn't taste the chocolate. I sat here at the computer and went through the sutric questions and substituted the chocolate for one of my favorite fruits instead.
After enjoying a small cup full of red seedless grapes (my favorite) and a large glass of ice water, I can happily say that I left the chocolate craving behind like spit in the dust.
Although I know I'll have to spit again, and possibly soon. I have no idea what I'm going to eat today. ANd I don't like that. I enjoy the comfort that comes with knowing exactly what Im going to have at each meal.
Last night I made lettuce wraps and they were great. I think I'll do that again, I just have to figure out what to put into it. I think there's a slice of turkey left. Or I could make them purely vegetarian. that could be good also.
JW requested bacon, eggs and biscuits for lunch. And you know I ain't eating any of that.
breakfast consisted of one grapefruit and a few slivers of leftover roast beef.
Lunch: I think I have a slice of turkey left. I'll have a turkey wrap.
Dinner: Dunno yet. Pizza. God help me, no more. Please. No more. After tonight I'll rather fast than eat any more refined crap.
Peak flow: 280