Wednesday, August 5, 2009

osda sanale (good morning) aug 5th

peak flow 350

breakfast: bowl of grapes
Lunch: dunno yet
dinner: JW's choice
This morning's Namaste yoga: Exhalted Warrior.
It made my feet hurt.

Every morning it's the same lame thing. The alarm goes off at 6am and I finally drag my lazy butt out of bed and into the livingroom. And as I do so, that old mind wants nothing more than to crawl back into bed and stay there until noon. That old mind gripes and whines and begs all through my waking sadhana. It grumbles and complains that it's not getting donuts for breakfast...Oh it's grapefruit... Whine, moan kavetch...
And it really cranks up when it's time to exercise. Oh why? WHY? It hurts. it's too hard. I'd rather sit in the recliner all day, do nothing but watch tv and eat.
the old mind DOES NOT want to sit on the meditation cushion and practice. It's tooo hard!
The old mind DOES NOT want to get out of bed....It's comfy there...
the old mind DOES NOT want to exercise.
Or eat healthy foods.
The old mind wants to sit all day and do nothing, then go to bed. Wash, rinse, repeat.
I had to do that once, when I was sick and disabled. My body and mind got lax, lazy and didn't want to work.
Now that mindset is still with me.
It's a daily fight for fitness, in body speech and mind.
It takes courage and untold strength to hoist my 200 pound butt out of bed in the morning. It takes tremendous physical strength to do yoga. It takes and ocean of courage to sit on the meditation cushion and practice.
I'm not saying this because I'm whining about it. I'm saying this because if I can haul my butt up every single day you can too.
Yoga was hell at first. At first it was difficult to even get down onto the floor. But now I can and I can do not only the beginner poses but all the intermediate and some of the advanced poses. yes, its hard. yes, my body aches and whines, but I do it anyway. When I see my shadow while doing my morning sun salutation and start hearing the old mind complain that no matter how hard I've worked I'm still fat and I'll always be that way I put those feelings onto the path of liberation and let them go. I remember that four short months ago it took effort to just get onto the floor. Now I can do a down dog with the best of them.
And...a few days ago when I walked past a mirror display I caught a glimpse of something "self". I paused and stared back at the astonished reflection in front of me. I was wearing some of my tightest summer clothes and they were loose. Sure I was still fat, but not like before. The 2x jeans I bought in April hang on me, my blouses look more like maternity tops. My flesh is clear and unwrinkled. I'm still not pretty--but I was never vain about my appearance anyway--but when i looked into that mirror I was startled at the transformation, from the inside out.
Last night I gathered up the courage to open up a container of winter clothes. There's some jeans in there as well, some I haven't been able to wear in ten years, but look brand new and couldn't part with them. Theres some nice slacks in there too, and a silk blouse that I wore about ten years ago.
I tried on the jeans. They looked so small compared to what I was wearing. I held my breath and told myself not to be too disappointed, after all, I've only been on this adventure since April. It's now August. It's only been four months. It took years to get this heavy, and it'll take years to get it off again.
So I slid them on.
And they went on. I was shocked. I figured they wouldn't go up past my knees.
I can't zip them up, not yet, but by Christmas I'll be able to. by Christmas they should be loose. by next spring, I'll be buying new clothes.
Just feeling healthy and more energetic is well worth the hard work and effort. That old mind can go away. I don't want to listen to it any more. I prefer the new mind, the mind that is open to new possiblities, open to enlightenment, open to strength of body speech and mind.
Its not about vanity, it's about living, its about awakening, its about the joy of being alive and experiencing this precious human life to the fullest.
I welcome it when that day comes. With my heart filled with song.
om mani padme hum.

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