Monday, September 21, 2009

Yep, it's gonna start raining again. Oh joy. And again I get to adjust my workouts to accomodate this display of atmospheric grumpiness.

If we don't get downpours I think I can still manage to get my a.m run in. JW will be pissed; he's convinced I'm going to fall and break a hip or something. I'm not made of glass. So what if I fall? I'll get up and keep going. It'll be okay. I will exercise good common sense before I go out, and on the days I can't, there's yoga, strength training and fit tv.

Gilead (the so-called Israeli stud muffin)is pretty to look at while I sweat like a rented mule.

This morning's run was spectacular. Far better than I imagined. Of course I had to fight the fat to get up and get moving. The conversation went something like this:
Fat "I don't want to get up. I don't want to move. I want to sleep."
Me: "No. We've got yoga and running this morning."
Fat: Why not sleep till noon instead? Then we can sit all day in front of the tv and nosh on donuts. You like donuts remember?"
Me: "No. I'm getting up. I'm doing my routine and having a sensible Paleo breakfast. So get up, get dressed. We're burning daylight."
Fat: "Ahhh do I gotta?"
Me "Yes, now move it."
I not only ran with fat this morning I ran with grumpy fat. My lower back was sore, my legs sore, my breath short, but what do you expect when you're running with an extra 100 pounds that wants nothing more than to be sedentary?
Sedintary is for rocks, people. (recall your high school science class)
Eventually fat quit complaining and I got my yoga and my run in. I did approximately 1/8 of a mile this morning in run/walking, and 20 minutes of Flow Series yoga. Water.
This upcoming week, I'm scheduling in some strength training along with yoga, just in case I can't get out to run. I'll at least be prepared when the rains finally quit.
Winter running is going to be another matter. But that's months away and I'm focusing on just today.
The neighbor's bulldogs were tied up. Good thing. I'm still getting a can of mace next month, just in case.
Also, I must remember to bring my inhaler with me on my morning excursions. After my third lap my lungs slammed shut and I thought I would pass out. I slowed down, did some ujai breathing (I was wheezing anyway) and my lungs relaxed and I was able to continue.
Last night I got claustrophobic, so JW and I went to Walmart. It was the only thing open at that late hour, and so while he went traipsing off to oggle the donut case I went to the ladies sportswear department and yes...I freely admit it...I shopped...
I didn't do this to fulfill some girly anxsty need. No I went there for a purpose. When I shop, which is rarely, I get what I want, pay for it and leave. I don't linger over stuff yearning for things that I cannot afford. It just increases suffering.
But I do need a sports bra. And a pair of running shoes.
Therefore, I shopped.
I didn't have any money but that was okay. All I wanted to do was price things anyway.
I told JW where I was going and he asked me why.
--I need a sports bra, I said.
--I bought you bras in April, whats wrong with them?
--They're too big.
--What about the 40's?
--They're way too big, so I threw them away.
--What about the 38's?
--They're big but manageable. I can cinch them up good enough for now. But I still need a sports bra.
-What on earth for?
--Because, I hissed, so my tits don't slap me in the face when I run!

So off I went to look at bras.
I found several. Some were just plain laughable. I looked at what appeared to be an ace bandage with straps. They were 3 for 10 bucks. And even though they had them in size 36, I couldn't fathom what kind of support I'd get from a glorified ace bandage.
Behind me, there were three women, shopping. I heard giggles. My face burned.
I went down the aisle, looking at other sports wear and found a Danskin's sports bra in my size that looked just right. Nice strong and supoportive. Like my husband. And it looked practical.

The bra was ten bucks, but that was okay. I only need one, and I didn't think JW would balk on this. Id have to wait and get it in October, but that was okay too. I did have one bra that was tight enough to do the job temporarily. Before it snapped from the stress.
Again I heard giggling.
My face burned again. Even though I had read and studied and meditated on the destructiveness of anger and its causes, I felt it rise in me. I could feel these women's eyes on the back of my neck. Paranoia struck up, and fat started jeering.
They think you're too fat to run.
They're laughing at you behind your back.
You should just get back on the recliner and eat and
do nothing. I mean, you're 51 after all. Running is for kids.

I know that I'm not supposed to suppress anger, but I am supposed to use the tools I learned from Lama to let it go. And I have no excuse for why I didnt.

I turned around, about to say something cutting when I realized these girls weren't laughing at me at all. They weren't even looking at me. They were laughing at a particularly bizarre pair of panties. Something that I myself would have laughed at.
I felt ashamed.
Nobody cares that I'm fat.
Nobody cares that I'm trying to lose it.
Nobody cared that I was looking at sportswear.
All the anger, paranoia, angst and general silliness
was all in my head.
In reality, nothing at all had happened.
These women weren't making fun of me, and if they were, so what?
Without saying a word to me, these fine ladies taught me a valuable lesson. One that I will cherish.
These women were my teachers.
Shamefaced, I forgot about running shoes and trudged back to the checkout stand where JW was waiting for me.
Did you find what you were looking for? he asked.
Yes, I did. I replied.
But as we left the store and walked out into the cool damp humid night I realized I found lots more than sportswear.
I found anger, and realized it was empty.

Today's Flight Plan

up @ 7
Samari Waking
yoga/running 40 minutes
breakfast: sausage, grapefruit/ strawberries
Heart Treasure
The Paleo Diet

11 am
practice: Monday Mahamudra
lunch: chicken lettuce wrap and leftover tomato soup (I'm going to start making my own after next month)
Heart of Compassion
1 hour house blessing
15 minute zone work
today's mission
3 pm practice 3 Cauldrons, Middling

6: pm Dinner tba
7pm practice 3 Cauldrons Extensive
reading: Path to Enlightenment
11 pm power questions, bedtime tantra and lights out.

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