Friday, August 28, 2009
Let It Be
I love this song. I love this song. I love this song. I'm copying it off and learning to play it starting today.
And Let it be is the perfect theme for this day.
The power is out at my brother's house so he and his son are staying with us until the rural electric company (run by pony express no doubt) get's their collective shit together. I joked with my brother, blaming the power outage on Comanches.
He was not amused.
Anyway, the next new challenge will be not to get distracted by having extra people in the house. My practice will not suffer, it will however be challenged and I must be able to rise above that. I want to clarify here that I don't NOT want my brother and his son here. I DO. Very much. The problem isn't with them, but with me not wanting to leave the conversation.
And right now my brother is suffering and I can't bear to see that. I want to help out as best as I can.
My nephew finally made his appearance last night after scaring me shitless. He was supposed to come here after school. The walk from here to the high school (I can see the stadium from my back yard) is about five minutes, ten tops if the neighbors dogs are loose. But after nine o clock and after his father's frantic searching, he and JW decided to head out to the farm just in case Chris was there. Sure enough there he sat on the porch, the door locked, the house dark, looking befuddled.
They gathered up the food in the freezer, the tv and the computers and brought them here. Chris looked timidly around the door and said, Please don't kill me!
Chris, being 17, just followed his daily habit. He got on the bus and went home, not realizing his mistake until he got there and saw the house dark. I asked him why he didn't just go to the neighbors and call. He said in a small embarrassed voice, "I forgot."
No I didn't kill him. What I felt was infinate relief, because despite my practice, there was that irritating background noise of fear and worry...kind of like the same high pitched sound a microwave oven makes on its final dying breath. It's irritating as hell, like a mosquito bite between your toes. Yet I didn't respond to it. I wasn't angry, just worried and scared. Once the worry and fear left, all that was left was love. And an immense desire to devour a pound cake in under a minute.
I did however get into Zack's cookies. Bad apprentice lama. I told myself that I'd eat only one. And I nibbled on it. it wasn't too sweet so while washing dishes I ate a second, by the end of my cleaning session I was jonsing for a third. Sugar, fat and salt. God they're so addictive, and subtile in their addiction too.
Nervous eating. That's one habit that I absolutely must let go of.
I did my 7 a.m. practice outside. I was wondering about the logistics of doing meditation practice with two cars parked in our narrow little yard. There was always the back yard but its not cleaned up enough yet. And there was the side of the house where the cannas are blooming again. I thought that'd be brilliant but I was too lazy to drag the patio table around. So I took my mat outside and surveyed the front yard. Yes, there was plenty of room right in front of the porch for me to do my morning suryamanaskar. I put my mala and practice materials on the table, brought out the dog so she wouldn't fuss and wake the guys up and put her out on her lead. Then I began my practice.
Chris came out waved good bye on his way to school. I did my sun salutation. People were coming out of their houses, getting ready to leave for work or take grandkids to school. Some stopped and frankly stared. I could literally feel their eyes on my back. I was not distracted. After my sun salutations I went into my practice, lighting a pair of citrinella candles as an offering and a warning to the mosquitoes to leave me the frak alone while I practiced...
Morning practice was wonderful. I love getting up at dawn and doing it outside in the fresh cool air. I'm sure the neighborhood gossips's tongues are clicking. She'slost her mind, they'll say...She's worhsipping the devil...others will exclaim...maybe we should go talk to her...Oh no, we can't do that; she's crazy. She's a half breed you know, and you know what those half indians are like...
I know they say these things. they've said them before. They'll say them again. I'm neither hurt or upset by it. I used to be, but no longer. I just find it a little sad.
My medication adovcate who lives right behind us is no longer friendly. But I'm thinking that she just might not be having a good day. I hate to think she's not going to want to work with me any more because I'm Buddhist. In any case I have paperwork to get me into UAMS for their health and medication program. The only thing holding me back is that they want a valid driver's license and I haven't driven since I started having to take medication for vertigo all the time now. I'm terrified I'll have an attack while I'm driving and kill someone, or myself or both. It's better to just let JW drive. Besides, I'm too short to see over the Sunbird's dashboard.
After practice I raked up pine straw, felt my muscles working underneath the skin, feeling tight and strong as I worked. I got the kitchen in decent shape and the bathroom as well. The tub still isn't draining despite JW's best efforts. I think someone shaved a gorilla in it while we slept.
Anyway I'm buring daylight. Tons to do today. That review for Tenzin Palmo's book must be in today. No excuses. I have two novels now to edit and complete, going to two separate publishing companies plus short stories and articles that need doing.
And I still haven't finished putting the fringe on the amulet bag yet. Or painted my tsa tsa's. Shit I can't even get to the work table. It'll have to keep till next week or so when my fortrice of soliude has been retaken.
Have a beautiful day.
om mani padme hum.
6 am ice water, 12 oz
7:30 another 12 oz glass of ice water ( I always wake up extremely thirsty)
Breakfast: oatmeal and a few thin strips of bacon
12 oz ice water
Lunch None. I wasn't hungry
12 ice tea unsweetened and I think it was caffinated. It was Brother's.
dinner steak and green beans. There was potatoes too but I didn't eat any.
I did, however, get back into the peanut butter cookies. (urgh! Sometimes i hate myself for my weakness!)
another 12 oz glass of ice water. (im still thirsty. What's up with that anyway?)